Pieces of Me.

Let's get up close and personal. Let's get real and raw. It's just that kind of day. This post is for my inner child who wanted to sing from the rooftops and be seen. Most times as we heal, we have to give our inner child what they needed as we open up new doors and travel into new shadows, or deeper into the depths of the caverns we have already begun to illuminate. Today is one of these days for me. 

A lot of the healing I have done has been centered around voice and truth, and I know this will continue to be where a lot of my work is around. Funny how both of these things are part of my gifts. Using my voice as an agent of change and my gift of sight to have laser beam clarity in truth. 

I'll start by saying- my mother has untreated mental illnesses that occurred from the great deal of trauma she endured as a child. A tremendous amount of oppression has been projected onto her in her lifetime. I have so much love and compassion for her as a person and I truly hope one day she stops wearing her trauma as armor and allows herself to become light. Free of the weight from it all. I wish for her true healing, and I will hold a vision of that highest light of who she is in the hopes that in this lifetime, that is achieved.

That being said, I triggered her from a young age, my truth challenged her stories. My mother loved me, but her triggers really didn't, and still don't.  Early on in life, I was taught that I was a liar, made to look into a mirror and tell myself that I was. I was told that my feelings were incorrect and that I needed to "tell the truth" of how I really felt, and usually that "truth" was feed to me. I was taught to lie about being ill to get out of things I didn't want to do, or that benefited her, like getting her out of work. I was taught that bad things that happened in the family, were usually my fault. The people around me learned these things too. My siblings knew I was not to be trusted and that mom labeled me as the bad one, the liar. They were taught to use these narratives against me. Both to manipulate me, but also to reject me. In every instance throughout my young life that my mother needed a scapegoat- well there I was. The drama queen. The liar. The manipulator. The crazy child. The attention seeker. Any role she needed me to be, I was. I believed all these stories about myself so much, that I played right into the roles. I helped make her stories true, simply because I believed them to be truth too. I could not trust myself, well because my feelings were always wrong. I could not identify my truth, because I could never access it. My voice always shut down, silenced. My truth always smothered by false belief systems, oppressed upon. Now of course, there were plenty of other things that happened in my young life. Other traumas that shaped how I viewed the world. But today, we're focused on this one.

For all of my teenage and early adulthood years, I stood in a battle against who I really am, and the narratives crafted around who I was. The belief systems I so much wanted to break free from, that I had no idea I even could, or even that they were not true. I deeply disliked the who that person I thought I was. I hated being in constant chaos. I hated lying. I hated being a drama queen. I hated all of those roles I lived in. Always the victim. Always putting everyone's needs and truths before my own. Always seeking co-dependent relationships so that I could always be validated. Working in a positive projection so that no one could ever see the pain I was hiding, so no one would be bothered with my feelings, because they were probably not real anyway, I was crazy and a liar, who would ever believe my truth? I didn't. I moved in others projections of me. Always seeking validation, approval, being liked, being accepted. I just wanted to be liked, to be loved. 

When I began my healing journey, I had no idea the truth or power inside of me. I had no idea how much balance could be cultivated through the practices I would find myself in. I had no idea just how much projection I was living in. As I found myself immersed in the teachings of natural law, energy medicine and sound healing, I found me. The layers began to peel back, I uncovered so much truth.  I uncovered so much of my essence. I could not believe it. Some days, I still am in awe of the transformations that have taken place. For me. My family. My clients. My community. All by the one ripple. All by making the decision to start. I am so proud of taking back my truth. Honoring myself. And not just honoring, shining my light to help others access theirs. 

After a couple of weeks of being confronted with truth, my mother retold the story that I was a liar. Retold the story that I was poison. She needed the villain to be resurrected. She would not own the truth, or accept responsibility, my mother needed the narratives of who I was to reemerge. She reverted right back to previous holding patterns and came back to needing a story to be created around who I am. Only this time, I did not believe those stories too. I did not let it be a belief I adopted.  It does not even matter everything that occurred, what truth she was confronted with, or why. Only that she could connect it to me, and so she did. 

Today, I spent a good part of the day loving that inner child. I spent a lot of time singing and doing breathwork. I called my mentor, for some extra support. I took my 5yr old shopping and let him pick out a special snack. We went to the grocery store, and I walked him through getting frustrated when I said no. Letting him know I honored his feelings. Teaching him to pause and ground in that emotion, and not react inside of it. I cooked dinner for my family. I showered in the dark, singing some more, crying and allowing the tears to flow with the water. I played sound with my husband, letting him be my supportive and unconditionally loving witness. I taught him how to hold the pulse with a drum so that he could access that wisdom and hold that vibration for me as I played the bowls. And then, I wrote this. For my 3yr old self who needed her mom to hear and see her. For my 10yr old self, who wanted to be loved too. For my 12yr old self, who did not deserve to be assaulted because of the shorts she was wearing. For my 15yr old self who just needed help. For my 17yr self who just wanted truth and peace. For myself in the now, speaking her truth and letting all of those little girls inside of her know, that it is all okay. For all the little moments where I needed a mother, and mine could not support me. 

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